It's been a long couple of weeks since I last wrote. I hadn't forgot, it was just physically a tough thing to do. It still is, I'm cringing pain with each word.
Yesterday was a particularly bad day for me. I woke up feeling anxious and my mind was already racing. It hadn't been like that for a few days, ever since I started the haldol twice a day. No more blood everywhere, and waking up feeling like I slept was wonderful.
Well, not every day is a winner. But yesterday... repeatedly the only thing I could think about was carving up my left arm like a Christmas turkey. My mind picks something to fixate on, and until I complete what it's asking or am able to steer it away for a bit. I'm safe here though - no tools or makeshift items to achieve that goal. It becomes exhausting though - when everything in your being is pushing you to do the one thing that you know shouldn't be done.
One nurse noticed my struggle. I guess I must be an open book to them, and I'm okay with that. She noticed me hanging onto the plastic knife at lunch. Every 15 minutes after that, someone was coming to check on me.
The cravings got the best of me and I tried to use that plastic knife to draw some blood... Well that didn't work at all. I tried to put an edge on the plastic, but it's so soft it just crumbles.
By this time, I must be putting out flashing lights that say "self harm guy" because my new nurse corners me in an office and we talk about what's happening. She checks and I'm still good for a PRN dose of 10mg of Haldol. Bring it on.
For the next few hours my mind is clear. It's bloody glorious, the way my brain settles and I am not simply stuck in a revolving door. I can think, I can relax, and I don't want to self harm. Did I mention it's glorious?
Haldol isn't a long term thing though. It's got some pretty nasty side effects. One of them being the reason I don't write much - it makes my muscles hurt. I get another med to help with that.
So for now, I wait until Monday to see what other plan the doc can come up with.
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